IPV Barbie
How Off-Brand Barbie became Intimate Partner Violence Barbie
“This is you,” he said, “and this is what I’m going to do to you.”
When survivors of all kinds of sexual violence - including clergy sex abuse and intimate partner violence - compare notes, we often comment that there must be a playbook that the harm-doers refer to because the patterns of behavior they use to entrap their victims are pretty consistent. One of the tactics of abusers is to collect information about their target they can later use to abuse. This will include getting background on childhood experiences, both good and bad. My clergy sex abuser – we’ll call him ‘Pastor’ - quickly got information about my childhood. For example, he asked how I was disciplined, what kind of toys I played with, my hobbies, and what kind of grades I made. Over time, he used all the information he gathered to plan and execute harm.
One day, Pastor brought me an off-brand Barbie doll and a dirty white rag. “I got you something,” he said. “Show me how you made Barbie dresses out of Kleenex.”
When I was a little girl, I had all the Barbie things. I had Barbie Airplane, Barbie Van (purchased at Mary’s Swap Meet in Nicoma Park, OK) and Barbie’s Olympic Ski Village. Sadly, ownership of Barbie’s Dream House eludes me to this day. I loved to play with Barbie. I loved dressing up Barbie and taking her on her adventures, like piloting her plane to the French Alps and skiing out the door of her chalet.
Barbie had a smart wardrobe for all of these activities. But more than anything, I spent hours designing wedding dresses and ball gowns for Barbie out of Kleenex. I loved pulling a fresh white, pink, or blue Kleenex out of the box, folding and draping it just so and securing it with Scotch tape. Getting the Kleenex veil to stay on was a little more complicated.
So of course, within weeks of my visiting his church, Pastor knew all of this.
“That’s not a real Barbie,” I said. “I only like real Barbies. And that’s dirty,” I said, indicating the grease-stained white rag. “Let me go get a Kleenex.”
“I can’t afford a real Barbie,” he growled. “Show me with this.” I protested several times about getting a clean white tissue, but he insisted I use the filthy rag. So finally, I took the oddly shaped torn rag with bits of greasy black and brown spots on it and carefully folded it around Off-Brand Barbie’s slim body. It wasn’t going well as the rag was bulkier and larger than a tissue. This tested my well-honed skills in Kleenex couture. Pastor began to scold me. “Hurry up! DO IT.” My anxiety level increased as his danger signals became clearer. Nothing I ever did was fast, good, or right enough for him. I didn’t understand why he continued coming to my apartment regularly and presenting me with odd gifts like an alarm clock and a jack-in-the-box. However, as Wade Mullen says, “Every gift comes with a threat.”1
Now, older and wiser, I understand.
Pastor grabbed the doll out of my now 24-year-old hands. He wrapped the rag around her waist and then her neck, strangulating her. I was horrified at the violence of the work of his hands. I vividly remember the sadistic way he tied the knot around her neck. I was afraid now.
When he finished the doll’s “dress,” Pastor grabbed me by the arm and dragged me out of my apartment, down the stairs and into the parking lot. He held Off-Brand Barbie up in my face. “This is you,” he said, his voice dripping with disgust. Then he threw the doll to the crumbling asphalt, stomping on her with his heavily booted foot, and grinding her into the gravel. “And this is what I’m going to do to you.”
‘Pastor’ certainly did spend a lot of energy doing just that. And yet, I’m still here.
Stay tuned for how IPV Barbie returned to me through a ‘rift in the portal’ and empowered me to heal from the layered trauma of Adult Clergy Sex Abuse (ACSA).
Mullen, W. (2020). Something's Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse--And Freeing Yourself from Its Power. United States: Tyndale House Publishers.