I stood on the stage with a microphone in my hand. I looked out at the large room. It was more crowded than I realized. For a moment, I was not sure if I could go through with it.
I looked down at the microphone and thought determinedly,
“I am going to practice using my voice.”
“Go.”
Then I said roughly this.
I am going to practice using my voice. I am reclaiming my voice because I have been silenced for over 30 years.
My name is Elisabeth, and I am a survivor of adult clergy-perpetrated sexual abuse.
I used to have dreams where I was screaming for help. When I opened my mouth, no sound came out.
I was abused by a United Methodist minister and his co-perpetrator when I was 24. The minister had just read Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology. He asked if he could help me with my ‘human performance.’ I had just started my first decent job after college and was working on my MBA at night. I said “yes.”
Within weeks I was dissociating from the sexual and psychological abuse of the pastor and his co-perpetrator. I went to my new job in the morning, having no idea what they had put me through the night or weekend before. In just a few months, I dropped out of my MBA program because I knew something was wrong with me and could not handle all the stress.
My abusers told me that I did not matter. They talked to each other in front of me about how I had no one who cared about me, so they could do whatever they liked to me.
They told me no one cared about me,
no one would believe me,
and no one would help me.
I have been working on the trauma of my young adulthood for about five years. Now I am back in school, working on a master’s in counseling. I am writing a thesis about the connections between clergy-perpetrated sex abuse, loss of community and mental health. Psychological research shows that after trauma, the most significant factor in whether the survivor will develop PTSD is adequate or inadequate community support.1 This has not been studied explicitly with survivors of clergy-perpetrated sexual abuse and the institutional betrayal we nearly always experience after the sexual abuse. That is where my research comes in. I would be honored if you all would participate in the study when my research reaches the data-gathering stage.
I am writing this thesis because I believe that we matter.
We care.
We believe each other.
We will help each other.
Now, when I open my mouth to speak in my dreams, my voice is clear and strong.
Thank you.
Johansen, V. A., Milde, A. M., Nilsen, R. M., Breivik, K., Nordanger, D. Ø., Stormark, K. M., & Weisæth, L. (2022). The Relationship Between Perceived Social Support and PTSD Symptoms After Exposure to Physical Assault: An 8 Years Longitudinal Study. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 37(9–10), NP7679–NP7706. https://doi-org.argo.library.okstate.edu/10.1177/0886260520970314